Acceptance

When you find out you're going to be a parent there's a mix of fear and excitement that comes over you. You start planning all these wonderful things and hoping that this child will be able to do such great things in the world. The fear is mostly the worry of the health of child and birth. Also, what the future will hold for them. When you find out that your child is going to have a disability, there's this other fear that occupies your mind. Some of those dreams you had for them get clouded or disappear. You feel crushed, broken even. You worry how will they function, how will you manage, how can they survive without you, how do they live  within a world that doesn't understand or accept them?

When we found out that the boys had Autism, it changed everything. All the plans and dreams we had for them, in am instant changed. I felt those dreams for them slipping away but already familiar with Autism through family members, I knew this was not a sentence. You have to quickly push yourself into acceptance. I gave myself 10 minutes to mourn the dreams I had for my sons and work to accept the dreams that they would have for themselves. They would reach their maximum potential and I would support them every step of the way.

I went into fix it mode. The let’s tackle it head on and find away. For their dad, it took a little longer and some days he still struggles with the fact that our youngest son may not adapt to society's norms the way we had hoped. We worry that both boys may not always “fit in”. Since we can't always make society accept them the way they are, we have to prepare them for the world outside their heads. That's not an easy pill to swallow. To know that your child may not have a lot of friends or any. That you talk and they may not always be with you despite being in the same room as you. That you discipline and it goes unnoticed. That you make a joke and they don't get it. That you can give instructions and they can forget it a minute later. That they don’t understand why you are constantly instructing or placing demands on them. It's not easy for either side. 

Yet, if you love. Love them as much as they love you and more, the walls will come down. Their eyes brighten and their smiles gleam. They connect through love. Love what they love and be apart of their world. Acceptance WILL come for you both, you will connect and you WILL be a better parent for it.

Here is a link to a short Pixar film that was created by a father, Bobby Rubio, who was having difficulty connecting and accepting the reality of his sons diagnosis of Autism. He expresses his journey in such a poetic way, that I had to share with you today. This is just a brief trailer but impactful.

https://youtu.be/xu0UmLzClus

I highly recommend that you watch this short film if you have the opportunity to.  You can find it on Disney+ Pixar short films. I only wish I had the link to the actual short so that you can actually watch it for yourselves. They really should be available to everyone, it's beautiful. Pixar is doing a wonderful job with the telling of these shorts stories. Be sure to also watch Wind and Loop, two great little films that carry quite the powerful message. 

Being a parents is hard and, we can be critical of ourselves. Being a parent with a child with differences isn’t any easier. There are days where all I can do is laugh, cry. Where I can lose it and, regret every word or action. Wanting your child to fit in comes from the fear of not being accepted. Society doesn’t bend to them, they bend to society. You want to protect them, but they may not see it that way. Considering this, let’s give our kids a break to be themselves, rejoice in it. Remember, the world will be hard enough on them, they don’t have feel like outsiders in their own home. Family is supposed to be their safe place, a place where they can be just who they are. Make sure you give them that. 

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Let kids be kids

So last night I was listening in to a conversation my eldest son and daughter were having about their brother. They were debating on why E likes to win so much and why we should or shouldn’t let him win all the time. Here’s just a bit of how it went.

N: I don’t think E has to win all the time because I like to win too. I don’t have to let him win.

EMC: N, you have to understand that E has Autism and he doesn’t understand yet how to control himself. His Autism makes it hard for him. He likes to win and gets angry if you don’t let him. He likes to play tricks. That’s his way of having fun. That’s why when he races he says “look behind you there’s a monster.” He just wants to play his way.

N: Well I don’t see why we have to play his way, I like to win. I don’t have to let him.

EMC: It is okay to lose N. That’s how you learn to try harder.

N: Then why don’t we let him lose? ANd why do you cry when you lose.

EMC: No one likes to lose. That’s why I get sad N. But when E loses he gets angry and hits because he has (Emphasis on) AUTISM and he has to learn. He doesn’t understand.

The way my daughter expressed herself was amazing and her mannerisms were classic “New Yorker”  just like her mom.  In any case, the conversation started to go in a loop both claiming they are right in their argument. Hearing how it was going  both valid arguments, my husband and I intervened attempting to assist them both come to so resolution so they can get to bed.

Technically, we can’t always win and it isn’t fair to always LET the other person win. So N was right about that. There is a great lesson to be learned when you lose. It can be the motivating force for you to try harder. Something we tell our kids all the time.  However, it is kind to let the other person think they have won in an effort to prevent or appease that person and not cause distress on them. Especially, when that person is still learning how to play socially.

Lord knows, we had stopped our game nights because E just blows up or can’t wait his turn being so impulsive. He needs to be in control. I’m thinking it is now time to start them back and walk him through the process, social expectations, win or lose. While also teaching the other kids that it is better to practice patience and understanding then to feel as though you have surrendered yourself up to someone else’s wants or wishes. Kindness is the most important lesson for ALL three to take away from this conversation and future play.

So this brought up the question, is it okay for my daughter to let her brother win for the benefit of keeping him happy? She thinks she is helping him learn how to play.  Or is my son right, that it is better to play fair, win or lose? Share your thoughts with me on how you handle a young child who is just learning to play and accepting losses.

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Fight to be heard!

There is nothing more frustrating in my experience then when you are telling someone what would work best for your child and they don't listen. The experts think that they know best and you are left struggling to follow along or fight to be heard.

This was happening with my son, E. He recently moved to a new school because I felt he wasn't being treated correctly at the prior school. That they kept stuffing him into a room and not taking the time to hear him. They simply muffled his voice when all he wanted was for someone to hear him and talk to him. Whatever attempts the teacher and administration made only seemed to make things worse. Suddenly he wasn't trusting people, responding as if he was going to be grabbed or hit if you approached him to abruptly. I was angry and motivated to help him.

Every day we received either a phone call or a message about his unwanted, negative behavior. Though I welcome communication from the teacher and the school whether it be positive or negative, it was almost always, negative. I could handle the negative if there was an attempt at a solution but by the end, I saw nothing. I just wish they were making the effort to hear him out.

At the new school, he is making amazing strides and catching up to where he needed to be quite quickly. Honestly, we knew he had it in him and were so frustrated with the system, that we nearly gave up on the system and took him out of public school. It wasn’t only because I went and spoke to the district that we now see change...change came because those at district level are truly impassioned by the children they serve. The new teacher has taken it upon herself to really pay attention to E. Taking the time to figure out how he thinks as an individual. She often tells me about the funny things he has said throughout the day or about the things that upset him. The principal is always engaged with his class and is learning how each child in that classroom functions. Despite some difficult days, he is transitioning superbly and is happy to go to school.

All of this is happening because someone took the time to listen. People are taking a moment to listen to my son and not force him to do something he doesn’t understand. This willingness and patience to talk it through or just listen, is what is helping the most. Finding the right people that care enough to help us was key, the district did that for us and for that I am forever grateful.

Now he is showing all his potential. For Down Syndrome day he introduced his little classmate and then closed the presentation. He said to me that he was going to say a speech for his friend Ari. It melted my heart that he said "his friend" and that he was so motivated to celebrate her. This is all thanks to the school. They gave him a place where he can be himself. That feeling of acceptance is helping him have the confidence he needed to start on a path of doing great things.

He still has his days, but no where near as bad as the last school. Parents, don't forget how important it is to be the voice for your child(ren) especially for those that are unable to verbally express their feelings. Whenever possible teach them that their feelings, needs and thoughts matter. That being  shoved into a room and closing the door behind them isn’t solving a problem, it is only masking it. Don’t be scared to voice your opinions or to stand up for your child. Advocacy should always start at home.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!