So last night I was listening in to a conversation my eldest son and daughter were having about their brother. They were debating on why E likes to win so much and why we should or shouldn’t let him win all the time. Here’s just a bit of how it went.
N: I don’t think E has to win all the time because I like to win too. I don’t have to let him win.
EMC: N, you have to understand that E has Autism and he doesn’t understand yet how to control himself. His Autism makes it hard for him. He likes to win and gets angry if you don’t let him. He likes to play tricks. That’s his way of having fun. That’s why when he races he says “look behind you there’s a monster.” He just wants to play his way.
N: Well I don’t see why we have to play his way, I like to win. I don’t have to let him.
EMC: It is okay to lose N. That’s how you learn to try harder.
N: Then why don’t we let him lose? ANd why do you cry when you lose.
EMC: No one likes to lose. That’s why I get sad N. But when E loses he gets angry and hits because he has (Emphasis on) AUTISM and he has to learn. He doesn’t understand.
The way my daughter expressed herself was amazing and her mannerisms were classic “New Yorker” just like her mom. In any case, the conversation started to go in a loop both claiming they are right in their argument. Hearing how it was going both valid arguments, my husband and I intervened attempting to assist them both come to so resolution so they can get to bed.
Technically, we can’t always win and it isn’t fair to always LET the other person win. So N was right about that. There is a great lesson to be learned when you lose. It can be the motivating force for you to try harder. Something we tell our kids all the time. However, it is kind to let the other person think they have won in an effort to prevent or appease that person and not cause distress on them. Especially, when that person is still learning how to play socially.
Lord knows, we had stopped our game nights because E just blows up or can’t wait his turn being so impulsive. He needs to be in control. I’m thinking it is now time to start them back and walk him through the process, social expectations, win or lose. While also teaching the other kids that it is better to practice patience and understanding then to feel as though you have surrendered yourself up to someone else’s wants or wishes. Kindness is the most important lesson for ALL three to take away from this conversation and future play.
So this brought up the question, is it okay for my daughter to let her brother win for the benefit of keeping him happy? She thinks she is helping him learn how to play. Or is my son right, that it is better to play fair, win or lose? Share your thoughts with me on how you handle a young child who is just learning to play and accepting losses.
We are blessed for sure!
With love and dedication anything is possible!
Showing posts with label Social Skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Social Skills. Show all posts
Monday, November 4, 2019
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
Fight to be heard!
There is nothing more frustrating in my experience then when you are telling someone what would work best for your child and they don't listen. The experts think that they know best and you are left struggling to follow along or fight to be heard.
This was happening with my son, E. He recently moved to a new school because I felt he wasn't being treated correctly at the prior school. That they kept stuffing him into a room and not taking the time to hear him. They simply muffled his voice when all he wanted was for someone to hear him and talk to him. Whatever attempts the teacher and administration made only seemed to make things worse. Suddenly he wasn't trusting people, responding as if he was going to be grabbed or hit if you approached him to abruptly. I was angry and motivated to help him.
Every day we received either a phone call or a message about his unwanted, negative behavior. Though I welcome communication from the teacher and the school whether it be positive or negative, it was almost always, negative. I could handle the negative if there was an attempt at a solution but by the end, I saw nothing. I just wish they were making the effort to hear him out.
At the new school, he is making amazing strides and catching up to where he needed to be quite quickly. Honestly, we knew he had it in him and were so frustrated with the system, that we nearly gave up on the system and took him out of public school. It wasn’t only because I went and spoke to the district that we now see change...change came because those at district level are truly impassioned by the children they serve. The new teacher has taken it upon herself to really pay attention to E. Taking the time to figure out how he thinks as an individual. She often tells me about the funny things he has said throughout the day or about the things that upset him. The principal is always engaged with his class and is learning how each child in that classroom functions. Despite some difficult days, he is transitioning superbly and is happy to go to school.
All of this is happening because someone took the time to listen. People are taking a moment to listen to my son and not force him to do something he doesn’t understand. This willingness and patience to talk it through or just listen, is what is helping the most. Finding the right people that care enough to help us was key, the district did that for us and for that I am forever grateful.
Now he is showing all his potential. For Down Syndrome day he introduced his little classmate and then closed the presentation. He said to me that he was going to say a speech for his friend Ari. It melted my heart that he said "his friend" and that he was so motivated to celebrate her. This is all thanks to the school. They gave him a place where he can be himself. That feeling of acceptance is helping him have the confidence he needed to start on a path of doing great things.
He still has his days, but no where near as bad as the last school. Parents, don't forget how important it is to be the voice for your child(ren) especially for those that are unable to verbally express their feelings. Whenever possible teach them that their feelings, needs and thoughts matter. That being shoved into a room and closing the door behind them isn’t solving a problem, it is only masking it. Don’t be scared to voice your opinions or to stand up for your child. Advocacy should always start at home.
We are blessed for sure.
With love and dedication anything is possible!
This was happening with my son, E. He recently moved to a new school because I felt he wasn't being treated correctly at the prior school. That they kept stuffing him into a room and not taking the time to hear him. They simply muffled his voice when all he wanted was for someone to hear him and talk to him. Whatever attempts the teacher and administration made only seemed to make things worse. Suddenly he wasn't trusting people, responding as if he was going to be grabbed or hit if you approached him to abruptly. I was angry and motivated to help him.
Every day we received either a phone call or a message about his unwanted, negative behavior. Though I welcome communication from the teacher and the school whether it be positive or negative, it was almost always, negative. I could handle the negative if there was an attempt at a solution but by the end, I saw nothing. I just wish they were making the effort to hear him out.
All of this is happening because someone took the time to listen. People are taking a moment to listen to my son and not force him to do something he doesn’t understand. This willingness and patience to talk it through or just listen, is what is helping the most. Finding the right people that care enough to help us was key, the district did that for us and for that I am forever grateful.
Now he is showing all his potential. For Down Syndrome day he introduced his little classmate and then closed the presentation. He said to me that he was going to say a speech for his friend Ari. It melted my heart that he said "his friend" and that he was so motivated to celebrate her. This is all thanks to the school. They gave him a place where he can be himself. That feeling of acceptance is helping him have the confidence he needed to start on a path of doing great things.
He still has his days, but no where near as bad as the last school. Parents, don't forget how important it is to be the voice for your child(ren) especially for those that are unable to verbally express their feelings. Whenever possible teach them that their feelings, needs and thoughts matter. That being shoved into a room and closing the door behind them isn’t solving a problem, it is only masking it. Don’t be scared to voice your opinions or to stand up for your child. Advocacy should always start at home.
We are blessed for sure.
With love and dedication anything is possible!
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
Autism Island
I absolutely understand where dad, Shane, is coming from when he spoke out on Facebook about his sons forced isolation. Isn't this just another form of bullying? Maybe, maybe not. Every kid certainly has the right to invite who they want to their own party. But...
My now almost 7 year old son was invited to only one party last year and before that none, other then family functions. No invites for him this year either. Does he think about it? Not really, until he hears the kids talking about a party coming up or one he missed. Then it's an hour long conversation about how there is nothing wrong with him, some kids just don't realize how special he is or that not everyone is meant to get along. I have seen kids be treated badly because they are "different". We can't put the blame on children alone, I know that the parents have a lot to do with this. I have seen parents give me looks or directly make comments about my youngest son and MY parenting skills. One woman told me not to bring my son to play dates anymore with his sister. She just felt it was "too much to deal with" for her and that it would be "calmer if he wasn't there". Needless to say, I deleted her number from my phone but only after telling her a few choice words.
Instead of passing judgment, parents should take these opportunities to teach their kids about something outside their own personal box. Different isn't a bad thing. Trust me, I know it is impossible to live in a world where we all get along. Personally, I know I am may not get along with all my neighbors but I am not going to treat them badly because we may see things differently. I will continue to be courteous. I certainly would never exclude a neighbors child from one of our parties simply because I don't like the parent(s). I'm not asking that parents force their child to be best friends with mine or have them over all the time. I'm not conducting a social experiment with my kid. It's just a small moment in their lives to show acceptance and understanding amongst their peers rather then being out casted to Autism Island.
Both my boys have the sweetest hearts and our unbelievably loyal, they just happen to have Autism. People that make the choice to exclude them are missing out on a teachable moment for their kids. For themselves as well. Yes, they have difficulty sitting still, they talk too much, too loud, or do not speak at all. Yes, they may not acknowledge you when you address them right away or at all but there are ways to help them participate. Leave it up to us the parents to navigate them through that social experience. They just need to be given the opportunity. You the parents of the "Typical" kids could teach your child kindness, patience and understanding.
Shakespeare wrote "If we’re like you in everything else, we’ll resemble you in that respect." It is simply paraphrasing the Golden Rule but in the story, The Merchant of Venice, it speaks of the negative aspect of treating others badly and its chain reaction. So I have found that connecting with other like minded parents works best for us. We may not all be best friends either, not all of them have kids with Autism but what they do have are kind and open hearts and their kids share those qualities with mine. Acceptance is a hard thing to find in this world but that falls on us.
In the end, isn't that what we want for all of our kids, to be kind and accepting of others, so that others may be kind and accepting of them, no matter how different they are?
We are blessed for sure.
With love and dedication, anything is possible!
To learn more about The Life of Reilly click the link.
Kudos to Reilly's mom, Christine and especially dad, Shane, for saying what so many of us often feel needs to be said. Keep up the great work in teaching us all. And to Reilly, who unknowingly is teaching the world with out saying a word.
My now almost 7 year old son was invited to only one party last year and before that none, other then family functions. No invites for him this year either. Does he think about it? Not really, until he hears the kids talking about a party coming up or one he missed. Then it's an hour long conversation about how there is nothing wrong with him, some kids just don't realize how special he is or that not everyone is meant to get along. I have seen kids be treated badly because they are "different". We can't put the blame on children alone, I know that the parents have a lot to do with this. I have seen parents give me looks or directly make comments about my youngest son and MY parenting skills. One woman told me not to bring my son to play dates anymore with his sister. She just felt it was "too much to deal with" for her and that it would be "calmer if he wasn't there". Needless to say, I deleted her number from my phone but only after telling her a few choice words.
Instead of passing judgment, parents should take these opportunities to teach their kids about something outside their own personal box. Different isn't a bad thing. Trust me, I know it is impossible to live in a world where we all get along. Personally, I know I am may not get along with all my neighbors but I am not going to treat them badly because we may see things differently. I will continue to be courteous. I certainly would never exclude a neighbors child from one of our parties simply because I don't like the parent(s). I'm not asking that parents force their child to be best friends with mine or have them over all the time. I'm not conducting a social experiment with my kid. It's just a small moment in their lives to show acceptance and understanding amongst their peers rather then being out casted to Autism Island.
Both my boys have the sweetest hearts and our unbelievably loyal, they just happen to have Autism. People that make the choice to exclude them are missing out on a teachable moment for their kids. For themselves as well. Yes, they have difficulty sitting still, they talk too much, too loud, or do not speak at all. Yes, they may not acknowledge you when you address them right away or at all but there are ways to help them participate. Leave it up to us the parents to navigate them through that social experience. They just need to be given the opportunity. You the parents of the "Typical" kids could teach your child kindness, patience and understanding.
In the end, isn't that what we want for all of our kids, to be kind and accepting of others, so that others may be kind and accepting of them, no matter how different they are?
We are blessed for sure.
With love and dedication, anything is possible!
To learn more about The Life of Reilly click the link.
Kudos to Reilly's mom, Christine and especially dad, Shane, for saying what so many of us often feel needs to be said. Keep up the great work in teaching us all. And to Reilly, who unknowingly is teaching the world with out saying a word.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Spontaneous Responses
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| Dunkin' Donuts |
Now this may not seem like much to most folks. Cute perhaps to the average parent but for a mom with a child with autism who was completely nonverbal with little social emotional connection a year ago, this is ground breaking. He mostly echo's everything we say but has been gaining strides in speech. Today all I said was thank you at the drive thru. In my defense, I was a bit grumpy do to a cold. In any case, when he said what normally would be my response to the very lovely staff at my local D&D, I was over-joyed. It's not just that he said it and said it fairly clear, I might add. But that he understood it was a moment that called for him to say that. I would have jumped in the back seat and kissed him if I wasn't already driving. Remember, I was going through the drive thru.
Well, I don't need to tell you that he turned my morning around and the rest of my day as well. I was so proud of E for showing me and the happy caffeine pushers that my boy can talk. It was awesome! He is showing signs that not only will he be able to speak more regularly but that he is understanding some of the social aspects or expectations of speaking. Pretty cool!
Here are some suggestions from another writer and Licensed Speech-Language Pathologist with ideas on how to encourage spontaneous speech with your child.
Top Five Ways to Encourage Spontaneous Language
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With Love and dedication, anything is possible!
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