Chooo! Chooo! goes the Train

We have been having a few rough weeks with E. Non stop aggression at school displayed towards teacher and sometimes students.  Teacher calling us or writing notes with complaints. Principle calling us to come get him from school. It has been a constant battle to keep him from spinning out of control.

This week though, was just the thing that put me over the top. I got the call that said he was misbehaving, that they wanted to place him in the quiet room alone as he was being way to aggressive with his teacher. I hesitantly allowed it, so long as they were able to have eyes on him. Twenty minutes later, I receive another call to go to school.

Now, I was upset and angry. The closer I got to the school, the more I questioned why they couldn't handle him, what was it that was sending him into these tailspins, why were they so ill-equipped? I was mad at them. I was driving with a mindset that I needed to be prepared to fight.

I was on the phone with my husband, screaming not to pick up our son yet. That I wanted to walk in with him and see what they had to say. In my mind, I was going to tell them they had it all wrong, that they were clueless and needed to admit that they didn't know how to help my son. That they were lacking the skill set, training and education to help him.

Then the train happened. 

This really long Union Pacific freight train stops me in my tracks and now I'm steaming mad but can't go any where. I look up to the sky and say "Why God, Why?" Then I realized the why. As I heard the rhythm of the train on the tracks, it began to lull me into a calm. This time I looked up again and said "I get it God. I get it!" I took a deep breath and remembered how to be grateful. I thought of young Kaylyn who died in 2017 from Cancer. Thankful for all we have in E and my other two kids. That we still have them, happy and healthy. To know that yes, we are going through difficult times as a family, individually stressed in our own ways but we had much to be thankful for and that yelling at others wouldn't make me feel any better or any more grateful for the life we have. That yelling at them wouldn't fix the issue at hand, my son has Autism and it comes with challenges that don't have any easy fixes.

There is so much bad going on in the world right now, it gets easy to focus on all that is negative and get lost in the ugly of it all. To attack those that are seemingly trying to deprive you of joy would be wasted effort. It was best not to give them power over us.  I often feel defeated by these calls, judged as a parent, out of control, angry at the Autism or feeling as though I am failing miserably. But then God put a train in front of me, to remind me that there is a better way and life should always be put into perspective.

I am imperfect. My child is perfectly imperfect and though I wish he would conform for the sake of society, I also wish that he never changes. He is funny, loving, cuddly, full of life and my joy. Sure he is strong willed, impulsive and emotional at times but we all are. That train proved that to me. It allowed me to see how I was behaving and thinking. I wasn't putting my best self forward and my kids might just be seeing that from time to time when the stress gets to be so much. We are alive, we are healthy, my kids are almost always smiling and we have a home to watch them grow up in. He had a few bad days, and that's okay, we are okay.

Take a minute, absorb your life, breath and try to keep it all in perspective.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication, anything is possible!

Divine Intervention

This afternoon I was feeling really low, after I was told my son would not be able to stay in his current Occupational Therapy sessions unless I signed a Safety Agreement. The agreement is to protect the staff and patients from him. Ultimately it says, they would kick him out if he showed any aggressive behavior and or possibly call the police, if warranted.

You hear it and you get it, they have to protect themselves and the other patients. I even went in thinking they were going to ask him to leave. Instead, I get a generic boiler plate. The wording enraged me. He’s 5, he’s Autistic and he is impulsive, with current aggressive outbursts emanating from behavior extinctions. A well trained staff would know how to deal with this. Working with an Autistic child that has aggressive tendencies can be challenging but you expect the professionals to be prepared to deal with such issues prior to taking them on as clients/patients.  Trust me, if I could change that about him, I would. I know no one ever wants to be hit by someone else. Believe me you, we have tried to help him and continue to try each and every day. 

This place has been working with him for nearly two years now. He has a major meltdown and they just sit me down next visit and give me a letter. I sat there for as long as I could, then just got up as they talked, told them I would look it over, maintained politeness and just walked away. I was scared for him while he received therapy that hour. I was not going to sign this letter. I wasn't going to give anyone the right to threaten me or my son with arrest for behavioral issues. With all they said and with what the agreement said, I just felt as though I was failing him. I felt awful and frustrated. 

Along comes a staff member, who recently started working with my son and tells me that she loves working with my child. She said “I really give it to you, after last week, I realized it can’t be easy and you’re such a great mom with them. I just love your kids. They are such good kids. You are doing such a great job. I don’t think I could do the same.”

She may not realize how much I needed to hear that at that moment. All I could tell her was that I appreciated her saying so. She provided the boost I needed to shake it off and do what I needed to do for my son. As he was receiving therapy, I decided it would be his last there. As he was working, I got to work too. I found a place that was properly trained to deal with a child like mine.

These things are often hard to hear though you understand the rationale behind it. You just hear your child is not achieving the required goals. Your child isn’t behaving like the other kids. Your child is not accepted. It’s crushing. And yes, I know they may have never actually said that to me but that’s what it comes down to in the end. He just doesn’t follow along. So they refuse to work with him, they discard him.

I can't be alone. Can I? Has this ever happened to any of you parents out there with a young child with Autism?

We clearly have our challenging days but we get through them and move on. Sometimes with a little push of support from someone or maybe, just some divine intervention.  

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication, anything is possible!

Wake up!!

WHACK!! Good Morning!?

Please God!! Can you please tell me why my 5 year old son thought that it would be a great idea to wake me up this morning with a remote to my head? My face to be specific.

He could of walked over,  gently touched me and said “Can I watch tv Mama?” He could of just stood there staring at me like his sister does. Creepy, I know but I always wake up a bit startled so it clearly works. So with those options, why on earth did he think it would be a good idea to wack me with the remote and then ask me to watch tv?!

It is this behavior that leaves his father and I wondering will he ever grow out of this impulsivity and poor behavior or will I have to sleep with one eye open the rest of my life?  It is startling how rough he can get with us, especially with me. We could be having fun and then suddenly something or someone will set him off and out of no where he punches or slams into you.

Just the day before I took him to the store and from the start he was being difficult. In an effort to control I wanted to place him in the cart. I get things done faster and he can’t run away. He screams so loud an old man corrected him. I remind him of the rules and tell him we could leave now if he behaves like that. So he’s good the rest of the time. Listens and stays put.

Then came check out time. He wanted to play with the belt at check out. Immediately I see he has created this story line with the belt and an item that we still have yet to ring up. He tells me the Keifer shake was his boat, the belt was the water and I couldn’t take it. I respond to him that he has to let it go so that the lady may do her job and mama can pay. This set him off. As I am handing the item  to the cashier, he punches me in the face. Bad boyfriend style, right on the cheek and as I felt the fire come to my face, then he pulled my hair. The cashier gasps, the lady behind me tusk, tusks me  and I just hold his hands off as I try to check out. Now he is screaming as loud as he can. It was embarrassing and frustrating. I felt so judged and even helpless  as a parent. I can’t control him, nor does he want to be controlled.

For the past two years, every day presents a challenges.  There are those days that feel like a remote to the head. It is physically exhausting, can be emotionally draining and often I’m the one walking away hurt. I withdraw when he gets like this. I don’t want to risk subjecting someone else to his outbursts.  I know not taking him to places is a bad thing but it out ways my other options... most days.

Loving him is never a question. I will always love him, fight for him and never give up on him. Some days it is hard to feel like a good mom and do right by him. He, like my other two kids has a piece of my heart. I don’t often cry but for my kids, I will.  I worry often about how they will get treated or how others treat them. Especially the boys because they’re so unique.

 So the day that I’m feeing like I’m writing a roller coaster or when that day turns into a week or month, I just breathe, and then I remember to breathe again. Someone will remind me I am a good mom. One of  my kids will say something like “oh mama, I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. We love you.”  Despite the melt downs, whining and fighting, I’m reminded that they are impresionable little beings depending on me to show them how to become good human beings. That this is a moment in time that can be a learning moment for all. That they are smart and capable of so much. That all of this is worth it if he learns just a little bit more then the day before. Each daily struggle gets him one step closer to the man I pray he will one day be.

So we breathe again, all of us to find our calm. We go silent for that moment and we begin anew .

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication, anything is possible!

SFM- Summer Fatigued Mom

You know that first time you take your kid to preschool or kindergarten and you are just balling because you are so sad over letting go. That your sweet baby is growing up so you just burst into tears?

Well, I am so over that! Now I a praying for school to start back up. At this point, I am tired of serving meals, of answering a million and one questions, of reading the same book over and over, the arguing and knock out battles in the house, the "Mama!?,  It's my toy!, No, It's my toy!" You get to the point.  They take you to that place mentally where you just want to scream at all of them.  Pull at your hair, cry and hide in the pantry while eating something you know full well you have no business eating. Which by the way I do all of that, somedays I do one or two and other days, the challenging  days, I am yelling at the kids from the pantry, stuffing cookies in my face and and chanting "I love my children." 

Come on parents, you know what I am talking about? You love your kids and you actually love spending time with them but your learning the benefits of having them in intervals. School gives us that break. Especially for us stay-at-home parents. You spend the entire summer planning every moment of their day out. You make sure everyone gets to camp and the right camp on the right day for the right kid. Add any therapies to that and you officially are a taxi driver for the summer. If only my kids tipped.  And to top it off, while on a trip attempting to build memories, my eldest son guilted me into buying him a Hermit crab which is God awful looking and I am secretly praying it doesn't live the 20 years predicted. So I just added one more thing into my life for me to keep alive. (This one is on me!) It's exhausting!

With all that running around comes a crazy amount of stress and exhaustion. Add a few kids that never stop talking and or fighting and your just about done. Ready to send them back with their little book bags on and see them off for 8 beautiful hours.  Even as I right this, my daughter lays beside me crying and screaming that she wants to go see her grandmother, that it's not fair she doesn't get to go, despite her just being there all day yesterday.  Now I am not sure if this is an actual diagnosis,  I am not a doctor by any means but I call what I am experiencing SFM (Summer Fatigued Mom). I'm done!

Though I would like nothing more then to check out at least emotionally, I can not. So like all good parents, I grab a cup of Joe, maybe eat a few cookies that I shouldn't and keep on pushing on until school starts up again. I continue to say things throughout the day like "Oh that's great! Wow! Ah huh. STOP! What are you doing?!  Why did you just do that? What did you think was going to happen when you put the entire roll of paper in the toilet? No Unicorns aren't real. Yes, Santa is as real as you want him to be. Screaming doesn't change the fact that I'm still trying to ignore you. You see why they tell you NOT to put slime in your hair? " It can go on forever and it does. 

Hope you all are enjoying your summer and taking the time to fit in some special memories in the midst of all the madness.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication, anything is possible!

PS- if you child asks you for a Hermit crab, say NO!

He squandered nothing

It's been raining a lot here since you passed which has only made my sadness more so. We bury you today, well, at least they do. I didn't make it back to see you in life and now, not even in death. Six years have past. I regret that you didn't get to see my children. For that I am sorry as I know you deserved more. They ensured me that you will be getting a grand send off, one I know you desired, with honor, dignity and faith.

You who were always so stern but kind to me. You never laid a hand on me, even when I was at my worst nor did you yell at me. Except for when you were trying to help me with math and you never helped me with math again. Sure you were grumpy but I always thought and still do "Isn't that just how old men are?" I always looked past that and always saw who you really were. You laughed with me, sometimes at me, but you laughed. You were caring and affectionate with me, I was one of the lucky ones who got to share moments with you that let me in and see another side of you. I will hold on to that memory. With you sitting on your porch, laughing with great joy and light beaming from your soul. How you would take us out for a morning donut and let us be us, while peaking over your morning paper. You gave us more then you know.

Your life was not always easy you said. That you were young and rebellious. That you had walked away from God and that you were doing everything to win his trust back. You gambled and womanized. You knew you had made mistakes as a husband and as a father. You broke your own promises and regretted those days. You went to War and assured yourself you never would but still felt you had squandered what you once said you wouldn't. Yet you found your way and got back on track.

You will be welcomed in the heavens and I know that you will find all that you lost awaiting you. Wife and son. Your pain and guilt washed away, all forgiven.

Your presence on this earth will be missed. I am grateful for the time I had with you and I pray that you will be there awaiting me when my turn comes. We all felt loved by you. I know I loved you and felt that love always returned. I know you knew this but I feel the world should too.

A great man is being buried today, his soul already lifted to the heavens. A son, a brother, a veteran, a husband, a father, a Grandfather, and a great grandfather who lived life, learned from it, prayed because of it and in the end squandered nothing.

I love you Abuelo! Que Dios te bendiga y nos vemos.

#RIP