Ask and you shall receive

Remember how a couple of posts back I was joking about needing to get away. Well, ask and you shall receive. My husband surprised me with an impromptu vacation. It’s really more like a trip because of the time constraints and because a vacation for me would be without the kids. 

Traveling with the kids is rough. First they never stop asking the famous “Are we there yet?” They NEVER go to the bathroom at the same time, and one wants the radio on while the other wants it off. It’s too cold, It’s too hot. I think you get it. My daughter loves to sing in a high pitch operatic voice that reminds me of the movie where Meryl Streep portrays a woman described as the worst opera singer of all time. Now, don’t get me wrong, when my daughter sings in her normal sweet voice, she sounds like an angel. Lately, I think she has been exploring pitch and she is way high, to the point of piercing. As I write this, she is testing out her sounds. Fun! Do we discourage this? No. I want her to sing even if she sometimes hits a sour note or two. It’s my reminder that she is happy and that my ears are functioning. 

Finally, we made it to Myrtle Beach but still had another 30 minutes to get our hotel. So we took the kids to to a great little park called Savannah’s Playground to burn off some energy. It had your typical playground equipment but other cool stuff. Most importantly it had a six foot fence around it. It’s probably one of the first parks I ever felt comfortable going to. It had some really cool slides and a zip line for the kids. The kids loved it. E was in his element. The park is known as a great sensory park for special needs kids but is open for all. And then...

We went to the hotel where E went nuts. The kids were already excited about being at the beach and that the hotel had its own water park. E was over-the-top. His enthusiasm could not be contained. He was opening and slamming draws and cabinet doors. Screaming with joy because the hotel room had it’s own spoons and toaster. So as we changed clothes for the water park, I began to realize that this could potentially go south fast but I wanted to be optimistic and have fun. My goal was to be calm mom and not get anxious. We were fine up until we walked on to the water park grounds. The minute he saw the giant slide his eyes opened wide as did mine but for very different reasons. He was thinking that thing is going to be amazing. My thoughts were more along the lines of this 20 foot slide is going to be the cause of my aneurysm. I chased up the later with him and tried to seem excited. When we reached the top I was still hopeful that the man would tell us your too short. Took the measurements and I wasn’t so lucky. E sits on the slide and pushes himself. Sitting up instead of laying flat on his back, he takes the first curve and nearly flips out of the tube. Then he is flipped backwards and I saw a glimmer of panic in his eye but he hits another turn, where he flips again and it turns him around, then splash. He loves it! Meanwhile I am a horrible anxious mess thinking that I could have lost him on that first curve. He didn’t care, he wanted to do it again.

So needless to say I am extremely stressed out at this point. I figure if we could just get him in the pool and keep him there, I might be able to salvage this trip. N keeps swimming over to me to check on me because he “Don’t like how your face looks right now Mama. I’m worried for you.” I try to reassure him, but I know he is right. Because what I was feeling was straight anxiety over lack of control. Truthfully, it was my lack of control over E. I could see the park was having its affects on him. When my husband held his hand to get his attention and remind him of the rules. His legs looked like they want to leave his body and walk away with out him. He was on sensory overload. I knew I needed to get him in a quiet place but he was also trying to have his best version of fun. It just involved him running in and out of pool or at some points, jumping into shallow pools including a jacuzzi. I was so done. I wanted to scream DONE and leave. Not an option, I still had the other two who were having fun. So I stuck with it with the hopes that eventually he would even out and he did.

We finally got to a place where we were all in the same place and wanted to stay there. From there I started to feel my chest relax and i was able to take control of my breathes again. Though the start was challenging, it ended on a high note. Not to say that anxiety isn't the captain of my ship, it is still in control. While he sleeps all I can think about is how to keep him from the balcony or oven, I might then be able to go to sleep.

Still a day and a half to go, so lets see what tomorrow brings. For now, we are all curled up, and i’m Doing my best to appreciate the good parts of the day.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Is Sensory creating the behaviors?

On my last post I shared that my son E had a rough day. Everything was off about him and it seemed like everything was sending him on a tail spin. I mentioned that his OT had the look of being “Done” with him and I was right. This week was his last week with her. Allow me to share with you what happened.

E went to OT this Tuesday after last week kicking the OT in the mouth. I was prepared for her to tell me she was done with him. Thankfully she gave him another opportunity but not after speaking to me and letting me know her thoughts. The OT believes that E is not in control of himself. That his hyperactivity and a few extra undiagnosed labels, tossed in for good measure, OCD, ODD were getting in the way of his completing tasks. I know he has hyperactivity. That his mind and body are constantly moving but I just felt there was something more. Yes, his “Want” is a factor but was she looking at WHY it was playing such a role in his life. 

My thinking is that E is overstimulated in the OT environment. That he is in this small room with people coming in and out, the phone ringing, bins of toys that he can see what is inside, the parents outside in the waiting area with other children making noise, the door opening and closing, smells of an old house, etc. I share my thoughts with her and she gives him one last try. When his session was over she calls me in.

The OT begins to tell me that she sees E get frustrated and that she too gets frustrated because she can’t help him. He doesn’t do the work because he is hyper focused on other things. That he is constantly moving and that when she tried to force him to do work, he bit her leg. She told me she would no longer work with him until he is regulated on medication. UGH! Told you she was done. 

In any case, she proceeds to tell me why she can’t help him and that she is sorry but for the safety of herself and other kids she would have to pause care until he is medicated. Then tells me I should call the doctor and tell them it’s urgent despite my having an appointment already scheduled for mid August. I sign the second incident report and head home. 

He’s upset because I told him that he was not allowed to return anymore because he hurt her again. E kept saying “I will make it right, Mama” but I knew despite his wanting to, that he couldn’t. She was right about one thing, he was out of control but I don’t think it was just hyperactivity or any of those other things she added. Part of the reason we went to her was to address his sensory needs but she never focused on that. She wanted him to sit and do work. 

I’ve been reading this book called “Beyond Behavior” by Dr. Mona Delahooke and so much of the book sounds as though it was written about E. My son has his days and often I know that either his siblings or the world is setting him up for the kind of day he will have. Alone in his safe space, he is your typical kid. Shows no “behaviors” is kind, gentle and funny.  What if like the books says, the behaviors are just a symptom of what he is feeling. For example, E was having a great day until things started to change in his world. Add one sibling and he tends to be a bit louder but still good. Add say the TV and he becomes a bit jumpy. Then add the other sibling, specifically the brother with Autism and the clashing begins. Add my talking on the phone and the demands or climbing kick in. All those additions to his day lead to an off day because the world he is most comfortable in is ever changing.

What if every reaction E has, is a way of him comping with what goes on around him. I know that when I am uncomfortable, I often make inappropriate or corny jokes to hide how I feel. But it only makes it more awkward sometimes. What if his aggressive behaviors are simply a response to how he  is feeling? I’m still reading but it goes along with what I have been saying for the past two years, that it seems like something more is setting him off and that it is almost like a response to something. 

We have an appointment coming up with his Behavior Pediatrician soon and I will address this with her when we meet. I am excited about this because I feel like now that I know this is a possible answer,  that maybe I can help him and the world can see him one day the way I do.  

I’m going to keep reading and educating myself for the sake of my children. I am not looking to change them but to help them. I will keep working with them to find what works. I highly recommend the book for any parent who has an autistic child with Maladaptive behaviors and feels like their is something more to just unpreferred behaviors.  It’s just a tool to help raise discussions with doctors and therapists. The search for answers continues...

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Coping with no sleep PART 2

I have mentioned in the past about how lack of sleep was really getting to us. How we were seeking out solutions to try and help our three year old get to sleep and sleep through the night. If the lack of sleep was affecting the adults, we know it was having an effect on E too. Well I think we have found a solution that for the past 5 weeks has been working for majority of the nights.

Not to long ago, I read a medical journal on children with Autism and sleep disorders.  Here is the link to the article on Autism and sleep disorders that I shared recently on my Google+. E took about an hour or more to fall asleep so we started giving him melatonin. Which absolutely helped him get to sleep fast but he was waking up nightly at 1 pm and staying up until about 4 or 5 am. It was weighing on us all. We just couldn't get him back to sleep. We went from giving him 1mg, 3mg then 5 mg. After that, we stopped increasing because despite it being natural supplement, we didn't want to over medicate since he is only 3 years old.

In the article linked above, I read something that raised an alarm bell. "60% reported improved sleep, 13% continued to have sleep as a major problem, 1% had worsened sleep after initiating melatonin, and 1% could not determine the response."  He was falling asleep fast but  we did continue to have sleep issues. And in some days it was worse then ever. So I asked myself, could my son be the 1%? 

I resisted the article where it the talked about bedtime routines and sleep training, as well as listing some other items and tasks that can be taken to improve an ASD childs sleep (image to left).

The first thing we did was stop the melatonin and naps. We were stressed out at even the thought of this but we needed to try this. Parenting is work and looking for the easy way out isn't always an option. With a child with both ASD and SPD, we know we have to put in the extra time and effort for all our sakes. We make sure he has some sensory play shortly after dinner usually high impact like trampoline.  A warm shower and bath always seems to help after. We set an alarm so he knows that it is time to get out of bath. He responds well to that.

Then we get him ready for bed while constantly telling him it is bedtime. We let him wonder his room a bit, clean up and close closet and bedroom doors. Then he tucks in for a digital or storybook. He likes to snuggle on the floor on top of pillows we have spread out for him on the floor. This is were it gets tricky for us.  We have a car seat in room incase he is to wound up. We use it as an alternative for compression to calm his nerves. But when offered the alternative, he usually opts for laying down and getting a massage. When he says car seat, we know even he is aware of how out of control he is. The massage helps and a gentle vibration or rocking of his body.

Sleeper sack

In addition to pajamas, we place him in a zip up sleeper sack, zipper to back so he can't escape. This allows his legs limited mobility and his legs don't feel restless. Also, slows him down from moving about. They are inexpensive and we have one for summer and one for winter. He loved it as an infant so we thought we would try it again.

Compression seems to work for him as well. I made him a weighted blanket and he is not a fan. The alternative were these types of sheets that wrap the blanket and you can slip in like a letter in a envelope. I didn't want to buy one and it not work, so I made one with an old fleece blanket. Once he is asleep on the floor, we transfer him to his bed. Tuck him in making sure he is snug but night to tight. We want him to be able to move comfortable in his bed while still receive the compression he needs.

So did it work?

With all of these items and efforts, I can happily say E is sleeping through the night the majority of the time for the past month. He is definitely doing better with attention and seems over all happier, as are we. It's a lot of work and getting him to sleep is still the hardest part but it pays off. We start bedtime every night at 6:30 pm and he is usually asleep by 7-7:30 pm and doesn't wake up until 6 am the next morning. It's awesome. We are always so happy when he falls asleep with in an hour and that he has a successful nights sleep. Happy dance!!

This is our experience. Maybe you have tried this and had a different experience with your child. Every child with ASD is different, unique. Down the road these efforts may need to be tweaked a bit or may not work at all and we will have to find new ways to help him. Don't let the frustration and lack of sleep get to you as I felt it was getting to us. Your child is relying on you to help them figure things out.  Work with them. Observe what they like through out the day, recall what they use to prefer and see how it could be implemented in helping you get your child a better nights rest.

With Love and dedication, anything is possible!

Vacation was a learning experience

Vacation Travels 

My husband and I use to love to travel. With our first son we continued to travel though most trips were kept within the states. Yet, since the twins birth, we as a family have not taken any trips. The past three years have been strictly focused on adjusting to life with multiples and my singleton. We decided it was time to take a vacation.

We headed to Pennsylvania to visit my friends, then to New York and New Jeresy to visit more family and friends. 

The road trip wasn't as bad as I imagined. We stopped five times so we could allow the kids some play time. Making sure the boys got in some sensory time. We went to one park near Madison University that my kids absolutely loved. It was completely made of wood and it was like a jig-saw puzzle and maze in one. Great fun.

Pennsylvania went great. My friends house is pretty big and full of stuff for kids, so my kids were entertained. E seemed to love the staircase. We all must have gone up those stairs at lest 10-15 times. I was so proud of E because despite it being a new place with sort of new faces he adjusted fairly well. He even gave out some hugs and hand holding. If you knew him a year ago,  you would know that this is a huge deal. 

Then came Jersey and seeing grandparents. He loves them and so I know he would be excited to see them. But we didn't give him much time to adjust to new space or place. We dragged him in hotel room, then dragged him back out to take him to a park. I went on the insistence of others but was weary of how he would do. He didn't like the change of car,room,car, stroller. He fought us on that but once we let him play he was happy. He was running from one end to another because it was a great deal of stimuli for him. He was happy and enjoying himself so I let him have his fun. 

The next day was when things went bad for a moment. I thought that we were going to the zoo. I planned mostly quiet and serene activities for kids.  What I wasn't prepared for was the amusement park next to the zoo. It's nothing big just a few rides for kids and a few games. But for E, it must have been a nightmare. Kids screaming, bells going off, the rides making their own specific noises and then the voices, so many. He went on one ride ok, the train. E really liked it but I think it was so exciting for him that it spun him out. We tried the carousel but he wanted no part of it. He wanted to go on a car but he couldn't decide which one he wanted and then refused to be buckled in. "I want red car." I took him to red car but the inside was yellow, "No, I want red car!" Now I was questioning his knowledge of colors. Switching from car to car, finally I got him buckled in, he freaked. I asked them to stop ride. He was wailing and kicking. Scratching at my face and glasses. Even ripped some hair out. That's when I experienced it. I started to see people as if they were talking about us, starring, pointing, perhaps even criticizing. One woman was even bold enough to say "Wow,  looks like you have wild one there. Is he always like that?" Not sure why people feel the need to comment or shame you. She was lucky I was with my kids.  Then E ripped and tore at me again as we tried to leave park. His dad then took over. I broke down in tears. This place, a place most kids would love, was obviously painful, perhaps even tortuous for E. We had to get him out of there. 

I sucked up my tears and jumped back into super mom mode. His dad tried a ride with him but that didn't go well either. I grabbed him and took him out of amusement park. Found a quiet spot and calmed him. He was wound up bad. So I let him walk a bit but he was running and tossing himself on ground. I took him and sat him in the stroller. Hydrated him but he tossed the bottle around instead. I let him. Even made it into a bit of a silly game. We started to move. Things got quieter and calmer. He was finally silent. We looked at animals and eventually he fell asleep. It was all to much for him, exhausted by his outburst he slept. Kind of like how a computer has to reboot after a system crash. 

After that,  the remainder of the trip went fairly easy. E had a few small outburst but nothing like the one he had at the Flushing Park. My new mantra "Face, Space and Place." Give my son E enough time to adjust to people even if he already knows them. Don't allow people to come at him fast, loud or touch him. And be sure to find a quiet place were ever we go. 

I recently watched this video from The National Autistic Society and I found it to be very insightful. It gives the Autistic perspective of the world around them. Whether you know or don't think you know anyone with Autism you should watch this. I watched it in a dark room with headphones and held the smart phone close to my eyes to really try to give myself the feel of the video. Try it, see if you can make it to the end comfortably. It changed the way I see everything now. Click HERE for video

NOTE OF THANKS:

I want to thank the staff at the Fantasy Forest Flushing Meadow Carousel and Amusement Park. They gave me a red band to wear that noted to staff that we had a special needs child that would require more time to adjust to rides, require a gentle approach and made them alert incase of wondering/dangers. They were super with E. Even when he was screaming and fighting,  they remained calm and supportive of us. Though it was a nightmare for E, my other two kids loved it. I appreciated the care they showed us. 

Now all I need is a vacation from my vacation. We arrived home and happy but emotionally and physically drained. It will be awhile before we go on any vacations again. 

Food Aversions or a.k.a. Picky Eaters

Toe so good

Moms always complain about how their kids are picky eaters, it can be so frustrating and concerning.  You want your child to eat and eat healthy choices but picky eaters have a different plan. A picky eater with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and or Autism (ASD) can be even more troubling.

My son is probably the pickiest eater I have ever dealt with. Honestly, most days I think he would sooner eat his own toes then eat meatballs or mac and cheese. Seriously, I have seen him eat a crayon no problem but roasted chicken, no can do. In order for E to eat something, especially a new food, he has to allow all his senses to approve the food item before he eats it. Its a process that he takes time with.

Here are the steps E goes takes before eating something.

Step 1: Looks at food
He stares at it from a few different angles. At this point, if he doesn't like the way it looks, it's on the floor or he starts screaming. He use to freak out over diced carrots.

Step 2: Touches food
If we manage to get to step two, he gages feel, temperature and texture. E tends to like food that are either really hot or cold and in the white or beige family of foods to touch. It will end up on floor or it passes to next step.

Step 3: Smell
So this is where E simply smells the food. Disapproves floor, approves next step.

Step 4: Taste
This is where my son will decide if he will bite the food. E takes a lick or simply touches his lip or tongue to the food. If it passes the test he will take a small bite. I mean small, bird size. Often the food ends up on the floor because he took so long to get to step 4 that the temperature is no longer how he wants it or he doesn't like the texture of the food item when chewed.

Right now E lives on Greek Yogurt (Banana only), bananas, smoothies with veggies snuck in, Keifer shakes (Strawberry only), almond milk, bread untoasted with Honey, bread with Nutella and Chocolate chip granola bars. Just recently he has stopped eating pizza, has tried chicken nuggets but they must be hot and banana with Nutella. He seems to like his things on the sweeter side. It's fairly healthy but I still feel like I could get him to eat more veggies and solid proteins. Perhaps that is every moms plight.

I long for the day that I can make a pot of Mac and Cheese, place it in front of my son and he eats it. Maybe not even all of it but a bite or two. In the meantime, we test out foods and hope for the best.

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Bells and Alarms

Paired sleeping for comfort

Bedtime in our house is a familiar routine to any other household with kids. You know, that mad frenzy to get the kids fed, washed and clothed for bed. You pray you can get it all done before 9 pm so you can tend to some house chores and maybe get a chance to shower before you crash into bed. It was a night just like so many others of wrestling to get kids down when I found myself thinking back on simpler times that I recalled something about E.

When E was just an infant, he always seemed to prefer to be swaddled for bed. He slept best that way. He seemed to love to be held close or snuggle with his twin sister in the crib. If you put him down alone and unswaddled, he would cry. We thought it was because he was colic. But as he approached the 1 year marker, he liked me to keep my hand on his back while he fell asleep in his crib. Many nights I stood at his crib side, my hand on his back. If I removed my hand he would cry or wake. So back my hand went on his back. I became a pro at alternating hands with out him feeling my switching of hands. It was exhausting. And God forbid his sister would wake, then I just had a cry fest on my hands.

Many times I thought of filling a dish glove with rice to lay on top of him to try and give myself a break. My concern was that some how that could hurt him, so I never did try it. Little did I know that weighted blankets would be in our near future.

Nightly headstands

After the year marker, he liked me to hold his hand or rub his feet. Eventually, he just wanted me in the room with him. He would stand on his head or ram his body against crib. So every night, I lay on the floor with the twins as they fall asleep.  Stopping E from potentially hurting himself. Some nights are more of a struggle then others but it is improving. No more body ramming or headstands since we give him plenty of sensory before bed. Melatonin helps him settle down a lot quicker, as well as a drop of essential oil on his pillow and woobi (security blanket) to help him focus on his breathing.

In any case, I thought back on this time and realized that he was seeking sensory stimulation even way back then. I also made the comparison in my mind in regards to my eldest son. Another sensory seeker from early on as well all though we are just now learning that this is what he too has. E, still loves a good tight hug so long as it's on his terms, loves joint compression, a good pillow squash and is slowly starting to enjoy the brushing. Both my boys do.

Bells and alarms.

I wonder why I didn't put it all together sooner. Was it lack of experience as a mom or denial? Perhaps both. My first son, N, met all his markers on time if not earlier then most kids. And E, my second, did not, so it was easier to notice some potential problems for him. So how did I miss N's sensory issues. Early on I though maybe there was something going on so I had the school evaluate him for potential behavioral problems at two but they thought he was just high energy. But there were signs, the late speech development, the covering of ears, the constant jumping and moving, the slamming his body into yours for hugs, the unexplained outbursts/fits, jumping from high heights, banging his toys down hard. Honestly, his hugs feel like a Mack truck is trying to run you down to the ground. Kisses that squash your face. Anxiety. I mean I should have known something earlier but I just figured because he is so bright that he was quirky. I LOVE quirky. And the professionals were telling me he was okay. My boys are healthy and happy, it's all a mom ever really wants to hear. But I kept pushing for answers.

So now at 5, N has been formally diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and is now receiving Sensory Integration Therapy through Occupational Therapy. An answer and a solution.

Having these diagnosis' for my kids doesn't make life any less challenging but it gives us a great deal of explanation and motivation to get them the help they need to be successful in life. Do I still long for simpler times? Sometimes. But truthfully, they were never REALLY simple. Nothing ever is.

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Building a Strong Team

For the past year, my son was already receiving Early Intervention and we built a team around him that is strong. Here's why I think having a strong team is so important not just for the child but for the entire family. 

Let me first explain Early Intervention. Early intervention includes but is not limited to the following services:

- Provides families with a plan
- Supports services and resources for children that enhance daily opportunities for learning
- Provides visits in settings where a child would be if he/she did not have developmental delay/disabilities "Natural Environment"
- Special instruction/family training/support
- Organizing nursing services, social work services, nutrition services (food therapy)
- Assistive technology devices and services
- Physical therapy (PT)
- Occupational therapy (OT)
- Speech Language Pathology (SLP).

In a nutshell, the Early Interventionist (EI) assists in meeting the needs of the child as well as the needs of the family.

Back in July of 2014, I had my son first evaluated to see if he qualified for Early Intervention through BabyNet (a government organization that helps with special needs children). When I was told that he did qualify for further evaluation. They sent us to another place where I had to fill out some paperwork on him and sit and answer questions regarding his behavior. They sat us in a room, asked him to tend to a few tasks while also doing things around him like blowing bubbles or making noise. Thirty minutes later, we had a starting point. It came back that he might be autistic so we very quickly started the process to get him the help he needed. 

First I lined up his Early Interventionist (E.I.) to assist and support me in getting all the therapies he would need. We chose Carolina Behavior and Beyond because they came with great referrals and the founder has a very personal understanding and relationship with special needs. Through their evaluation, we new he needed Speech Therapy (S.T.), Occupational Therapy (O.T.). Through the BabyNet evaluation we knew he would need ABA Therapy (Applied Behavior Analysis is the application of the principles of learning and motivation from Behavior Analysis.) 

We were fortunate to get his Speech Therapy through Columbia Speaks Speech Therapy in just a few weeks. His ABA through Early Autism Project which took about two months and Occupational Therapy took about three months. Occupational therapy was the hardest to find. One because the surrounding area doesn't have enough Occupational Therapist and two, not enough of the OT's are trained well in Sensory Processing Integration.  His OT started out at Palmetto Health Orthopedic Therapy and all though they tried to help him there, I just didn't feel as though it was working out. He wasn't getting much accomplished. So when the wait list opened up at a new location, I jumped on it and he now deals with SPROUT Pediatrics for Occupational Therapy. Here I feel they are more knowledgable on the subject as they already deal with kids with Autism and or Sensory Processing Disorder on a regular basis as well as having a personal connection. Though I would like to have him receive Food Therapy for his food aversions, I am more focused on getting him talking, attending to his tasks and connecting so I try my best at home on my own but it will come in time.

It was important to me as a mother to know that the team I surrounded my son with are people who truly care about him first. I couldn't be happier now. It isn't perfect (what is?), we have had some bumps in the road but I feel supported and my son has been showing great strides in improving his speech, connection to us and the world around him. It's been only ten months since he has been receiving all of his therapies and he his speaking more and more., Engaging with us and learning more every day. He still has a long way to go but he has a strong team and I am confident he is going to be okay. 

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Diagnosis Day

You prepare yourself for D-day. You suspect it, you convince yourself that the worse case scenario is still better then most. Convince yourself that diagnosis will help. You say the word/(s) regularly to reduce shock value. You do your best to prepare but the news is coming and your still not sure if your ready. Then you hear the words "I summed up his ADOS among other things with my notes...." What seems like longest pause ever. " And well, it looks like your son did test for Autism." Crash! It's reality.

To some extent it was a huge relief but also a big let down. We heard a lot of mights, maybes and ifs but nothing concrete. More then anything, I was relieved because we finally knew what he was dealing with. Yet the mom in me, the irrational part of me, wanted to cry, wail because how could my "perfect" boy have Autism. 

You go through all the scenarios even while the doctor is spitting information at you.  I'm thinking, I just didn't take enough prenatal vitamins, I was to old, on to much bed rest, not enough rest, stress, twins, maybe the IUI drugs, etc.  Words and thoughts swirling in my head like a cyclone. What could I have done differently? I tune back in to hear "tested low to medium." That's good, right? "Yes, that's good." 

Then Doctor C. begins to discuss game plans for him. Many which we already have placed, speech therapy, occupational therapy, ABA(Autism Behavioral Analysis), school. She reassures me that he will be more then fine. That he is very bright and has come along way in only 10 months of early intervention. I remind myself that only 10 months ago he had stopped talking all together, wouldn't look at me or even let me hold him gently. I knew even then, I knew but now I know. 

To some aspect I guess a mom always knows but denial can be powerful. Even as I started him down this process, I fought my denial in search of answers and I got what I wanted, an answer. The answer is Autism. 

Of course, now I have a million new questions and a new search for answers but the most important answer I have is that my son will be okay. My son may be living with Autism but he is not Autism. He is perfection, beauty, brilliance, lively, happy, unique and a loved little boy.

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